Note: This was written in 2013 in honor of my sister who passed away in 2006. She was 14 years old.
honor of Sarah’s eight year anniversary of having passed on, I’m going to give
my story on the events. This is based on a true story, but I will not be
including the original names. This will also be longer than my usual page a day
story. I’m not asking for pity. I’m not even asking that you read it. It’s up
to you. I’m getting the story out as a part of the healing process.
10:30 A.M on February 13th. Bryan woke me and Frank up urgently.
Normally, I’m very hard to wake up. Today, I could sense something was wrong. I
woke up immediately. I looked in Bryan’s face and knew something was wrong and
sprang out of bed before he could even tell me that Drew was in the living room
and wanting to talk to me.
down the hall and got to the living room to find Drew. The look on his face
made my heart stop. I knew somebody had died. My mind raced with the
possibilities of who. I could tell that it was hurting him badly to have found
out. I swallowed the lump that had somehow formed in my throat as I waited for
him to talk.
passed away this morning.”
the point where I completely lost it. Frank had caught up to the living room at
this point and sat beside me where I had collapsed on the couch. I couldn’t
tell you how long after he passed the news that Drew left. I couldn’t even tell
you whether or not he said anything else. I was devastated and crying. I don’t
even know how I managed to breathe.
after hearing the news, Frank and I drove to my grandmother’s house. On the way
there, I couldn’t help but notice how dreary the weather was. It felt to me
like even the Earth was mourning the loss. I’m sure that wasn’t the case, but
that’s how it made me feel when I saw it. It’s amazing the things that comfort
you when you are completely heart broken.
It was at my grandmother’s that we found out
the whole situation of her death. Though I still remember it, I’d like not to
repeat this. I will say that the news of it made me angry. I couldn’t believe
that something like this happen and nothing was done about it.
after Sarah passed away, they held a viewing for her. At the time, I didn’t
understand why it was happening so fast. Between hearing the news and her
viewing, I had somehow tricked myself into thinking that there was a mistake.
That they had found out Sarah was really okay and that they had mistaken her
for somebody else. Sadly this wasn’t the case.
amount of emotions I felt that night was truly shocking now that I look back on
it. I remember feeling angry and appalled that anybody would want to take
pictures of this tragic event. I remember feeling horribly depressed seeing her
lying there and not being able to wake her up. I remember feeling awkward when
people came by to tell me how sorry they were and not knowing how to respond to
them. The thing I remember the most, is that I wanted to run away. I wanted to
just get as far away from the whole situation as I could.
day was the funeral. I remember being swept away by how many people showed up.
It touched me to know that there were so many people who cared to pay their
respects. I won’t go into the service of her funeral because something happened
that I’m still working to erase from my memory. My mother will never forget it.
To put it lightly, the preacher used my mother’s name instead of my sister’s.
We’ll leave it at that.
to her grave and the full reality of the situation hit me. I was hit with an
urge to scream at everybody to stop. I wanted to tell them that it wasn’t right
and that we could save her somehow if we just tried harder. As the coffin
lowered itself into the ground, I felt like a part of me went down with it.
years after her death, I didn’t speak to anybody unless I absolutely had to. I
let myself be drug away into my own little world. I pushed some people away to
the point there was absolutely no turning back from it. Frank left me after
doing everything he could to bring me back. Looking back, I can’t say I blame
him. I don’t resent him either. I think deep down, a part of me just wanted to
myself for her death. I was the older sister, and I should have protected her
better. This was my point of view anyways. In reality, I know that there was
nothing I could of done to stop what happened.
say this though. You never truly know the pain of loss like that until you’ve
lost somebody you love very much. It’s a feeling you will never understand
until you experience it yourself.
Doesn’t matter how that person is related to you. They could be your
parents, your friends, your significant
other, or any family that you are really close to.
that I didn’t want to suffer that kind of pain again. That’s the reason I did
what I did. It’s the reason I stopped contacting people and stayed to myself
for two years. In my mind, at the time, I felt like if I just didn’t talk to
people I wouldn’t be close to people and it wouldn’t hurt me when something
happened. I wouldn’t be broken so badly.
now been eight years. I now know that when the time comes, you just have to say
goodbye. We are all bound to get hurt and lose people. It’s going to happen no
matter how much we try to shield ourselves from it. At least we can hold on to
the hope that we will see them again when the time comes. They are waiting for
It doesn’t hurt as badly as it did eight years ago. There is still a hurtful longing inside me though. Sometimes, I will find something that belonged to her and wish that she was here so I could hear that special laugh of hers again. Then I smile with the knowledge that one day I will. Until then, I’ll live for her. It’s what she would want me to do. She wouldn’t want me to put my life on hold for her. She’d want me to continue living my life. She’d want me to be happy.
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