Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

Remembering Sarah (Written By Me)

Note: This was written in 2013 in honor of my sister who passed away in 2006. She was 14 years old.

In honor of Sarah’s eight year anniversary of having passed on, I’m going to give my story on the events. This is based on a true story, but I will not be including the original names. This will also be longer than my usual page a day story. I’m not asking for pity. I’m not even asking that you read it. It’s up to you. I’m getting the story out as a part of the healing process.

It was 10:30 A.M on February 13th. Bryan woke me and Frank up urgently. Normally, I’m very hard to wake up. Today, I could sense something was wrong. I woke up immediately. I looked in Bryan’s face and knew something was wrong and sprang out of bed before he could even tell me that Drew was in the living room and wanting to talk to me.

I ran down the hall and got to the living room to find Drew. The look on his face made my heart stop. I knew somebody had died. My mind raced with the possibilities of who. I could tell that it was hurting him badly to have found out. I swallowed the lump that had somehow formed in my throat as I waited for him to talk.

“Sarah passed away this morning.”

This is the point where I completely lost it. Frank had caught up to the living room at this point and sat beside me where I had collapsed on the couch. I couldn’t tell you how long after he passed the news that Drew left. I couldn’t even tell you whether or not he said anything else. I was devastated and crying. I don’t even know how I managed to breathe.

Sometime after hearing the news, Frank and I drove to my grandmother’s house. On the way there, I couldn’t help but notice how dreary the weather was. It felt to me like even the Earth was mourning the loss. I’m sure that wasn’t the case, but that’s how it made me feel when I saw it. It’s amazing the things that comfort you when you are completely heart broken.

 It was at my grandmother’s that we found out the whole situation of her death. Though I still remember it, I’d like not to repeat this. I will say that the news of it made me angry. I couldn’t believe that something like this happen and nothing was done about it.

Two days after Sarah passed away, they held a viewing for her. At the time, I didn’t understand why it was happening so fast. Between hearing the news and her viewing, I had somehow tricked myself into thinking that there was a mistake. That they had found out Sarah was really okay and that they had mistaken her for somebody else. Sadly this wasn’t the case.

The amount of emotions I felt that night was truly shocking now that I look back on it. I remember feeling angry and appalled that anybody would want to take pictures of this tragic event. I remember feeling horribly depressed seeing her lying there and not being able to wake her up. I remember feeling awkward when people came by to tell me how sorry they were and not knowing how to respond to them. The thing I remember the most, is that I wanted to run away. I wanted to just get as far away from the whole situation as I could.

The next day was the funeral. I remember being swept away by how many people showed up. It touched me to know that there were so many people who cared to pay their respects. I won’t go into the service of her funeral because something happened that I’m still working to erase from my memory. My mother will never forget it. To put it lightly, the preacher used my mother’s name instead of my sister’s. We’ll leave it at that.

We got to her grave and the full reality of the situation hit me. I was hit with an urge to scream at everybody to stop. I wanted to tell them that it wasn’t right and that we could save her somehow if we just tried harder. As the coffin lowered itself into the ground, I felt like a part of me went down with it.

For two years after her death, I didn’t speak to anybody unless I absolutely had to. I let myself be drug away into my own little world. I pushed some people away to the point there was absolutely no turning back from it. Frank left me after doing everything he could to bring me back. Looking back, I can’t say I blame him. I don’t resent him either. I think deep down, a part of me just wanted to be alone.

I blamed myself for her death. I was the older sister, and I should have protected her better. This was my point of view anyways. In reality, I know that there was nothing I could of done to stop what happened.

I will say this though. You never truly know the pain of loss like that until you’ve lost somebody you love very much. It’s a feeling you will never understand until you experience it yourself.  Doesn’t matter how that person is related to you. They could be your parents,  your friends, your significant other, or any family that you are really close to.

I knew that I didn’t want to suffer that kind of pain again. That’s the reason I did what I did. It’s the reason I stopped contacting people and stayed to myself for two years. In my mind, at the time, I felt like if I just didn’t talk to people I wouldn’t be close to people and it wouldn’t hurt me when something happened. I wouldn’t be broken so badly.

It has now been eight years. I now know that when the time comes, you just have to say goodbye. We are all bound to get hurt and lose people. It’s going to happen no matter how much we try to shield ourselves from it. At least we can hold on to the hope that we will see them again when the time comes. They are waiting for us.

It doesn’t hurt as badly as it did eight years ago. There is still a hurtful longing inside me though. Sometimes, I will find something that belonged to her and wish that she was here so I could hear that special laugh of hers again. Then I smile with the knowledge that one day I will. Until then, I’ll live for her. It’s what she would want me to do. She wouldn’t want me to put my life on hold for her. She’d want me to continue living my life. She’d want me to be happy.

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Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

Meant To Be (A Poem By Me)

The sound of your voice
Makes me feel at ease
Takes away my worries
Makes my heart feel free

You will never see
How much you mean to me
You will never know
How much I yearn to show

Fate has brought us together
Time and time again
Love has been what’s kept us
In each others arms

A night without you
Is like a million years of solitude
A week without you
Is like a lifetime

In your arms is where I’m meant to be
For all of my days
In your heart
Is where I’m meant to stay.

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Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

Loving Embrace (A Poem By Me)

So many questions in my head
I wish that you were here instead
To hold me through the darkest nights
And wake up with me with every light

You keep me safe and warm
Being in your loving arms
If I had just one wish
It would be that every night was like this

I never knew a love so true
Until the day I laid eyes on you
Our first kiss was so pure
In it I found my heart’s cure

Even on the coldest night
You keep me warm with your embrace so tight
You chase away my every fear
You kiss away every tear

I wish that I could find the words to say
How you make me feel every day
I wish that I could let you know
All the happiness inside me I want to show

With you is where I always want to be
I know in my heart you are meant for me
Until my very last day
It’s with you I want to stay

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Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

It’s You (A Poem By Me)

Note: This is in place of Top Ten Tuesday. I wanted to participate, but I have lost most of my bookmarks. My good ones are somewhere else that I don’t have access too. I know it’s late, but that’s because I was trying to think of a way to participate.

The thought of you
Makes my heart sing
Makes me feel free
Makes me feel safe


Your touch
Sends electricity all through my body
Takes me to the moon
Makes me want to be closer


Your kiss
Makes me crave a thousand more
You are the one
I want to kiss the rest of my life


Your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Makes me smile
I could talk to you for hours


You give me the world
With just one touch
You give me your everything
With just one kiss

Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

In The Darkness (A Poem By Me)

In the darkness
You call my name
I reach to touch you
But I’m surrounded by darkness

In the darkness
I call for you
I long for you
I need you

I’m yours
Despite it all
Through the darkness
I belong to you

I run from you
I stumble and I fall
You find me
You pick me up

You kiss me
Then you fade away
I’m surrounded by smoke
Longing for you

Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

Darkness (A Poem By Me)

Darkness surrounds me
It swallows me whole
I go to scream
But I don’t make a sound

I reach out for help
I feel the empty air
I am alone
Always alone

Tears stream down my face
As I try to fight
But the darkness takes hold
The darkness stays tight

Why can’t you see
How badly it hurts
How badly I need you
Can’t you hear me calling for you

My body gives up
I stop fighting
The darkness is too strong
It’s taking over

Then I hear him
The darkness goes away
I feel his arms and his gentle kiss
And everything is okay

He fought the darkness
When no one else would
He held me dearly
And I gave him my heart

Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

Confused (A Poem By Me)

I don’t know how somebody can affect me so much
One day they make me happy
Another they can make me feel low
I miss them when they don’t talk to me

I long for their touch when they aren’t around
My heart beats fast when they touch me, kiss me, or hold me
I feel faint when they say my name or talk to me
I’ve never felt this way before

It’s like being lifted to the highest cloud
It’s like being kissed by the highest of angels and blessed
It’s like pure bliss
I go to speak though, no words come out of my mouth

I don’t know what to say
I get flustered and nervous
I’m afraid to make them run away
Am I going crazy?

Am I falling in love?
Is it too soon?
Is it too fast?
If so, why won’t my heart give me a break and let me just enjoy

Why does it want something that just can’t happen right now?
What do I do?
Where do I go?
Who do I turn to?

I’m so scared
Maybe I can keep it all to myself and never let him know
Maybe one day it’ll slip and I’ll find that maybe he feels the same way
Is this how Juliet felt about Romeo?

I can’t wait to see you again though
I will wait until the day you feel exactly the same I do
Are you the one?
Did God send you to me?

Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

Bleeding Girl (A Poem By Me)

There’s blood on the floor……

It’s mixing with the tears that fall from her face……

She’s cold……….

She’s scared……….

She’s used……….

She’s abandoned…………

She’s forgotten……….

She hurts……….

She cries……..

She bleeds…….

Nobody is there for her………

She wonders if anybody ever was………

Who in the world can look somebody in the eyes and say I’ve caused you pain and I’m happy about it???……

Who in this world can make somebody feel so alone so miserable………

Can’t you see she’s bleeding and crying? Bleeding and crying for you!

Why do you let her bleed on the floor?????

Why do you let her cry????

When do you see you’re the one to blame?

When does she get sick of it all and leave?????????

If I walk in, if I pick her up off the floor, if I make the bleeding stop, if I dry her eyes and sing to her………

Who am I?

Am I her?

Am I the one bleeding and crying on the floor?

Am I the one you slashed and left behind?

Am I the one you forgot?

Am I the one who needs to be stronger and not let you beat me down and make me cry??????????

Where do you turn when the one who was always there for you walks away?

What do you do when the one that’s always there to dry your eyes is the one making you cry?

When do you say enough?

When do you say I’m done?

When do you just get up and walk away?

When do they realize they hurt you?

When do they realize they bring you pain????

Will they ever learn?

Or is this the end

Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

Shanna’s Story Part 3-The Conclusion

It was at this event that she realized she’d never be comfortable in her own skin unless she embraced all of her. She met a girl named Lynn. She and Lynn connected immediately. She wasn’t able to keep her mind off Lynn. Shortly after the event ended, Shanna came out as bisexual. She never felt freer.

Several months after the event, she couldn’t get her mind off Lynn. She had several discussions with Zane about this. She felt blessed to have him in her life. She could tell him anything and everything and he’d support her. She was free to explore women now thanks to him. They had even talked about having an open relationship to an extent.

Lynn and Shanna kept in touch. Eventually the subject of sexuality came up. It was very deep and heartfelt. Shanna realized she’d never be able to tell Lynn how she really felt. Lynn was very happy in her marriage and family life. She’d never do anything to change that for Lynn.

Lynn and Shanna remained good friends. The conversation that they had never got brought up again. Shanna struggles with herself and where to go from here. She has spent most of her life hiding who she was and now she doesn’t have to. It is a struggle she faces every day.

Shanna spends every day wondering how different her life would have been had she not been afraid to be who she was. She wonders how many people’s life she could impact and change if she tells her story, so they don’t life their life in fear like she did.

Shanna is happy. She has no regrets about how she’s living her life. She looks forward to what her future holds. While she thinks that things would have been drastically different had she been comfortable in her skin much earlier in life, she realizes that it’s not too late to change things.

Shanna’s life isn’t perfect. There are still many things that she could do to improve. She’s happy though. She’s excited about things that will happen in her future. She is confident and hopeful that things will happen her way. She’s confident that she will meet somebody that is the perfect fit for what she’s looking for.

She’s not fully comfortable with herself. She grows more comfortable in her skin every day. She also realizes that not everybody is going to fully accept her for who she is. She’s okay with that. She realized after she came out that those who are meant to be in her life will stay in her life.

One of Shanna’s biggest dreams is that she can tell her story to anybody who will listen. That she can make it known that she is there if anybody needs to reach out. Growing up, Shanna felt alone and scared. She felt she had nobody she could open up to about how she felt. She would never want that for anybody. She will try to help as many people as she can to keep her from feeling the way she did.

Posted in My Writing and Fanfic

Shanna’s Story Part 2

Shanna decided to move forward with her life. She decided to stop pursuing any relationships and focus on her senior year. Her senior year she meets a girl named Lacey who she realizes she has strong feelings for. She also admires Lacey greatly.

Lacey was everything Shanna felt like she could never be. She was confident. She was happy. She let herself follow her urges and desires and didn’t care what anybody thought about her. Many people would consider Lacey a bad influence as well as other things. Shanna never thought that. She thought Lacey was amazing.

Shanna and Lacey became the best of friends. They spent a lot of time in between classes that year. They walked each other to classes holding hands. They became surrounded by a group of friends who they adored. It was great. Shanna felt legitimately happy for the first time in a long time. She wasn’t constantly wondering about the what ifs.

Shanna graduated and never heard from Lacey again. She lost contact with many of the friends she made through school. Feeling depressed, she wound up going to hang out places that were out of her comfort zone. She met a guy there that she thought was wonderful. She would later find out that he was far from wonderful.

After the relationship ended, she spent several years going in and out of brief relationships. She didn’t want to stay with anybody long. She was scared. She didn’t want to be hurt in the way she had. She also didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that she was really into girls. She’d let a few people know about it, but still wasn’t ready to fully come out.

When Shanna turned twenty-seven, she met a wonderful man named Zane. Somebody she didn’t think existed. Somebody who had more in common with her than she ever thought would be possible. For almost five years, they were very happy, but as time went on, she started feeling like a huge part of her was missing. Not wanting to ruin things like she always did, she suppressed these feelings.

She kept suppressing these feelings for a quite awhile until something major happened to her. Shanna decided to attend an event that she knew would be amazing and good for her. This event was way out of her comfort zone, but she was excited.

(To Be Continued… Final part next Monday)

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